ANNALEE BARBARA GRANT

I'd like to review with you the list of weird names I have been called in the past week. That list numbers two, but I would like to dicusss them at length anyways, and perhaps provide an idea of who I think these people are. I was going to draw a picture of all of these Annalee imposters, but there are too many people milling around for me to use Illustrator.

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"Anna Maria" Grant – The bitch journalist

I got called Anna Maria by some crazy lady who was pissed off at me because I did not take a picture of her beloved grandson and put it in my sports pages. My bad. At the time her grandson was playing hockey I was half way up a mountain navigating a snow-covered slope in my skate shoes, sliding around and landing on my ass more times than I could count. It was a good day for photography – not a good day for said camera equipment as I dragged it around with me and used my camera case as a little mat so my jeans didn't get wet. 

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I imagine Anna Maria has very thick eyebrow – no doubt a homage to her latin-American heritage. They are dark brown, almost black but not and they are thiner on the inside and thicker towards the ooutside, unlike a regular brow. What a weirdo.  She has a very fat squishy nose. Not like a pig, more button shaped. A bit like my own, but rounder at the nostrils. She has thin lips and a mole above her right temple. She is a brunette, but it's dyed. 

Her style is not really style. She enjoys frills and pink and lace, but doesn't know that some colours – like seafoam green – should be used with care.

As for her personailty, she's ditzy and a bit self centred, but generally a nice person. She can be a bitch though, which is why she didn't give a leaping fuck when that lady's grand son didn't get his photo in the paper. What a bitch.

"Annie Lee" Grant – The oblivious journalist

I got called Annie Lee about two days ago now, by some bank who want me to cover some cheque presentation. I remember covering something for this bank in the fall. They were a pain in the ass, and apparently trhey didn't give a flying fuck about pissing me off, because they have forgotten I exist entirely and made up some sort of identity for the person formally known as Annie Lee. I most likely will not be covering your stupid cheque presentation, bitches.

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Annie Lee is a blonde. It's very stick straight and she likles to wear a purple head band with a bow, a la Blaire Waldorf. As all you upper east siders know, the bow must be on the right side of the head. Duh. She has a thin nose. Perfect really, and matching thin and perfectly peach-glossed lips. Her eyes are brown, and they are a stricking contrast to her platinum hair. The only flaw in an otherwise flawless appearance is that Annie Lee is missing a front tooth – an accident from taking a photo at a hockey game. Poor Annie Lee's hand eye coordination isn't great. She just couldn't see that puck coming at her. 

She dresses well. Feminine, with dresses and classic pieces. She enjoys fashion and attempts to keep up with the trends. Too bad she chose a career in journalism, because keeping up with haute couture on a reporter's salary is just impossible. Most of her clothes are lucky snags from Value Village. She does well for a thrift store shopper though. Annie Lee was arrested for buying counterfeit goods in Las Vegas on her 21st birthday. Not a great way to start off adult hood.

As for her personality, Annie Lee is clumsy and often forgetful. When it came time to cover the cheque presentation, she just simply forgot to show up.

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So these are my alter egos. Maybe they can do my job better?